Castle

Let's make a castle
Built of not bricks
But memories
If things go wrong
We'll find some rights
If it stands still
We'll age with it

Late Night Thoughts: Hopes, Dreams, and Reality

It is now 01:24 in the morning and has been over than a month since I got back for college. Things have been busier than ever now, though I only have classes from Monday to Thursday. I remember my second semester, I also had three days off back then which gave me the reason to go home every month. It's different now. I cannot possibly return without abandoning my assignments. 

I have always been one who have high hopes on pretty much everything. I have a lot of dreams that I don't even know how to reach. And in reality I am no more than a perfectionist with absolute imperfections trying to make diamonds out of simple carbon compounds. 

I am used to being doubted, but the pathetic thing is that I doubt myself even more. The whole idea of proving-people-wrong has no effect on me, since I am the one more often intimidating myself. At some point I get horribly pessimistic that I thought of why I keep on trying if I have no sign that I will reach it. Then I get to the phase of telling myself don't-kill-your-own-dreams repeatedly. 

This past month is enough for me to feel anxious about my future in the most terrible way. I have too much in my plate. All these works get me overwhelmed. I have trouble completing required documents for this one admission. I screwed up some of my tests already. I couldn't help thinking that I might flunk many of my subjects. 

I keep thinking what if. 

What if I failed classes?

What if I don't get the opportunity (again)?

What if I do get it?

What if I cannot bear it?

Will I graduate in time?

When will I make my own money?

Where will I work?

Would I even make my parents proud?

Can I?

What if I can't?

I could write down a thousand more, but those up there are enough to make my throat choked and tremor worsened. 

I feel like hopes and dreams are paradoxical. One minute they give you reasons to live and to be passionate and enthusiastic about something, and another they make you expect so much that once you can't reach them, you fall into the deep ocean of disappointment. As what Shakespeare said, expectations are root of heartache. 

If you're still reading this, congratulations! You've read a whole bunch of nonsense. I am on my phone writing about my anxiety over my future and I don't even think that this writing has a point. But anyway, don't lose hope. I know I won't. 

"...all my hopes, they are high. 

I must keep them small."

- Troye Sivan, Fools